just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You made out with two different species that night
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
