i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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