There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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