I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
