I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
