guys are only as good as the porn they watch
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
cat food counts as protein by the way
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
