Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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