Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
