Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
