Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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