a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
