Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
barbara walters just said penis...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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