I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
