What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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