Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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