I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
