I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
