you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
