Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
