What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
