I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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