i will never coherently bang her
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
