my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
