The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
