I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
