Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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