So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
