you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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