remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
