I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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