im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
