Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
