like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
