tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
How external is "for external use only"?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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