You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
