They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
