All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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