I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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