My underwear smells like fireworks.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
