I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
