broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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