I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
