Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
