i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
