I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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