What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
