im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
