I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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