Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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