you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Randomize
