he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
